The latest installment of the Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable is about sharing. Specifically, what we choose not to share.
Are there any things that you don’t want the other members of your triad to know—or that you don’t want to know about them? I’ve heard first mothers talk about not sharing their birth stories with adoptive parents because those are for the adoptees and for themselves only. I’ve also heard of adoptees concealing their reunions from adoptive parents so as not to cause them pain. What don’t you want shared in your adoptive relationships?
Short answer? Not much. We’re primarily in contact with School Girl’s birthmother and birth grandmother; if they ask us a question about things that are going on at home, or things that are going on with our family, we answer them truthfully. As we would answer anybody else that are in our family. The day to day stuff, her experiences with her friends (girls and boys – *sigh*), things that she is into on that particular day – they get to hear that when we talk on the phone or have a visit.
There are, however, things about our pasts that we might not share. I’ve never talked about my experiences with infertility with either M or C. It just didn’t seem appropriate. Hell, I’ve never talked about them with anybody in my extended family either. My therapist knows, but I pay her good money to listen, so…We’ve talked a little bit about our wilder, younger years, but only when somebody asks. Mr. Goth and I aren’t the sort of people who will tell their entire life story to their seat buddy on the subway, if you know what I mean. That’s not us.
Conversely, School Girl’s life before she met us is really none of my business. It sounds a little callous, and it’s a hard thing for me to say, but it’s not my story. It’s School Girl’s, and I hope she gets to hear it when she can truly understand and appreciate that story. All of it, from the day she was born to the day she was placed with us. But as her parent, it’s none of my business. I really don’t need to know.