The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.
Last year around this time, there was an Open Adoption Bloggers Roundtable discussion on the topic “how will you be proactive in the area of open adoption in 2010?” This year, we’re supposed to revisit our posts and give a one-year-later update.
Sadly, I was able to recover all my trashed parenting posts but that one. As I recall, it went something like this…
I really wanted to let go of trying to make everybody participate in our daughter’s adoption. Birth family, extended families, everybody. We were having a lot of issues in 2009 with M and her ambivalence about keeping in touch. My letting go and keeping the doors open, but not forcing people to walk through (or getting pissed off and hurt when they didn’t) was huge.
Here’s what happened.
We’ve had a lot of visits this year, mostly initiated by C. M came along to every one. There were more this year than I think I ever remember; at least 6 or 7, I think. It was great for School Girl. Really, really great. I know it was great for C and M. Certainly after J’s death, they really wanted to connect with School Girl as their family.
I can’t say the greater frequency of visits have been a good thing for me. But School Girl is the one who matters, and I think it’s been really good for her. We’ve started talking about rather difficult subjects this year. About why M placed her with us. Having that familiarity that can only come with frequent, casual contact will make it easier for School Girl to ask M herself, and be able to work through whatever answers she will get.
I think I might have inadvertently gotten S’s last name. So far I haven’t done anything with that. Not sure what the right thing would be, considering our circumstances. But that was something.
Letting go isn’t such a bad thing, really.