Hard Things in Life are Hard: OAB Roundtable #25

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Write a response at your blog–linking back here so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and link to your post in the comments here. Using a previously published post is fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments or at the Open Adoption Bloggers Facebook page.

This next roundtable is something that I know a little bit about. In fact, I’ve whinged written about it often. It goes a little something like this:

Has open adoption ever felt like too much? Have you ever wanted to walk away?

The short answer: Oh hell yes. Every time that I hear someone make a jackass adoption comment. Every time we pass another birthday, and I know that I have no idea about the day she was born. That it’s not my story to tell. Whenever we’re around a raft of children who look like their parents, and A is with M and C – it’s pretty obvious where A belongs. Knowing in my heart that when somebody says “real mother”, that will never be me. Whenever somebody remarks about how intelligent, beautiful and loving A is, I know in my heart that we have nothing to do with that. Because she and M are incredibly similar (actually, I hear they’re exactly the same). That’s pretty fscking hard. Knowing that, no matter how much we share or how often we stay in touch, M will never see the little, day-to-day things we see is pretty fscking hard too.

This Sunday will be 9 years since we brought A home. It’s only gotten incrementally easier. I’ve written about that day before, but that was not very easy either. Which is being polite. There isn’t much about open adoptions that isn’t at least a little bit of a challenge. Hell, any adoption, for that matter.

Life is never easy, or fair. Every family has things that are a challenge. That’s how things go. I think it would be worse to not know M or her family; and more importantly, A not knowing M or her family. Even the little we know about S is better than nothing. A knows that she has two mommies and two daddies. No matter how hard that is for us “grownups”.

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