Why Evil, Mommy?

Once upon a time, this blog was called Evil Mommy. This is an explanation of the reason behind the name. Since then, I’ve decided that name no longer fits quite so well. Some might disagree. That makes me sad, but it won’t change my mind. This piece was originally written Tuesday, April 5, 2005.

My, it’s been a long 3 years. Long and a rapid blur all at once, assuming that makes sense.

3 years ago we were waiting for a birthfamily’s court date. Being the optimistic soul that I am, I just knew that something would go wrong. It was not certain that S (birthfather) would consent at all. He might or might not show up for his court appearance, leaving another 90-day wait while the “birthfather search” and involuntary termination proceedings happened.

Nothing could be taken for granted. I just knew that since M had met us she changed her mind, and nobody was going to tell us until the very last second. Just like the time before. Except nobody was yelling about suing the agency for not “moving fast enough”.

Evil Dad was very excited and wanted to go buy things. Bottles, formula, diapers…things. I just couldn’t do it. I declared, “No more baby things come into this house until after the court date.” We had quite a few things from the last attempt – plus a gunshy mom in the house. You know, looking back on this all now, it just seems so whiney and pathetic. It is, however, pretty accurate.

We also had lots of conversations with family and friends. They went something like this:
“The big day’s almost here!!! Aren’t you getting excited???? Aren’t you? AREN’T YOU???????”
“Um, yeah. Ok. Do you think we could talk about something else?”
It seemed to go on endlessly.

Oh yes, why this blog got its name. I was very impressed by M; by her strength and determination, by her kindness when we met, by her ability to think of her child first and not herself. She was the Good Mommy who was sacrificing herself and her child, and I was the evil nasty bitch who took her child away. No, it wasn’t really true, but that is how it felt. Sometimes, when I’m having a bad day, that’s still how it feels. Hence the name.